Someone needs to pinch me.  This can’t be real life.  I have been waiting with my hands tied for way too long now in anticipation of starting my treatments.  

Last night was again another sleepless night, holding my breath while millions of thoughts raced through my mind about all the possible challenges about to arise.  I got up out of bed in the morning and actually put on jeans, a cute shirt (not wearing my typical gym/mom uniform) and some makeup.  I was ready for the day ahead of me.  My mom and I drove to the hospital in prime time traffic, which means the drive took two hours and fifteen minutes.  Then we waited in line for the elevator, which I had to take a picture!

I entered the radiation waiting room and was informed I needed to watch a video since it was my first day.  The video welcomed me to proton radiation and explained how technical and sensitive these machines are, which in turn makes them need more frequent maintenance and at times can post-pone treatment.  At the end of the video, my mom and I joked about how seeing that video would of been helpful to see prior to last week since my treatments were canceled all week.  I was quickly called back to the proton radiation waiting room where I changed into the hospital gown.  I sat and waited and was informed that the beam from the machine was running slower than usual so the technicians were sorry they were behind schedule.  “As long as I get a treatment in today, I am fine with the delay,” I said.  

An hour after my scheduled appointment time, it was finally my turn.  I have never seen anything like it.  This machine is HUGE!  It’s two stories tall and different pieces come from all different directions to get the beam in the precise location.  I was informed that today my duration on the table was going to be a little longer than normal since it was my first day.  The technicians needed to double check all of the beams and images to allow the doctor to review before the beam was delivered.  So, I laid on the bed in position as the proton machine spun around me and different devices came in various directions.  I was laying still and everything was going smooth, although I was in utter disbelief what was actually happening and intimated by the size and complexity of this machine.  The doctor was going to review the images and then I was going to start treatment within a few minutes…

As so many thoughts were racing through my mind, I was informed that the machines were having problems! The engineers were on their way so I was going to have to wait about thirty more minutes.  I sat back in the waiting room frustrated but calm trying to look at the bigger picture that now my images were completed so I was partially through day one.  We waited…and waited.  We continued to get additional updates that the engineers still were not sure what was going wrong and kept being told an additional update would be given in one hour, then two hours, etc…

We continued to wait until mid afternoon when we were given an update again that the machines were still not working.  We decided to leave the hospital and it took two hours to get home, which made our day of waiting in anticipation ten gruesome hours.   

Going to bed tonight I do not know what is going to happen tomorrow.  I am scheduled for my first chemo appointment, but now I know I won’t be going to that if the radiation machines are still down.  Tonight do I go to bed in anticipation of starting treatment, being stuck at a hospital for countless hours inundated with radiation and drugs or do I try to plan a day of normal life activities with my kids while cancer continues to have a field day in my body?