I’ve been making great strides.  The weather is getting much nicer, which makes an automatic state of euphoria even though nothing is easy right now.  My weeks have been jammed packed with various appointments and therapies along with many hours in the car getting to where I need to be.

About two weeks ago I went for a PET scan so I could review the results with my doctor at my scheduled appointment last week.  Other than scopes that are performed at my doctor appointments, this was the first test I’ve had since my surgery.  Once my results were available they were posted online.  The great thing about getting to see my results online is that I can see them without needing to talk to the doctor, that is as long as it comes back how I hoped.  Unfortunately, that was not the case and I read the report two days prior to my doctor appointment, which means restless days and nights.  Now I know there are many things in the report that I don’t understand and google can be a scary thing, but what I have learned is that I need to be my own advocate because no one else will be.  Prior to my appointment I did some research so I knew what questions I wanted to ask.  I was not going to be okay with hearing  “it doesn’t look like cancer.”

Anyway, my PET scan report showed two lymph nodes, now on the right side, that did not appear normal.  (Everything has only been on the left side up to this point.) So sure, take with a grain of salt that PET scans show false positives fairly often, but when comparing to my previous reports this was not there.  At first my doctor told me that he wasn’t alarmed by it and was going to wait and order another PET scan in 3 months.  This was NOT okay with me.  He can’t tell me to wait 3 more months because “it doesn’t look like cancer.”  To me, there is now something there that wasn’t there before.  I told him there has to be another test so he ended up ordering an ultrasound, but informed me that most likely nothing will show up.  He told me we will at least have this done in order to use it as a baseline for the future.  So, I got the ultrasound done two days later.  The ultrasound technician informed me prior to starting the ultrasound that sometimes the radiologists wants to come in and see for themselves, so I shouldn’t be alarmed if it happens.  Next thing I know, the radiologists is comes in the room, looks for herself and tells me that she is suggesting a biopsy because it doesn’t appear normal.  She said “it’s not screaming cancer….but it’s also not saying it’s not.”

So here I am, after a jammed packed weekend of fun, going to a birthday party and having a fourth birthday party for Bobby contemplating if I even want to go to bed.  I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, but am I really ready for this week?  I don’t even have the biopsy scheduled yet since the ultrasound was Friday afternoon, but the waiting is so difficult.  I am hoping to get the biopsy done this week but then it’s the waiting all over again for the results.

I am trying to stay positive but there is still so much fear.