It’s a feeling that I would do anything to get out of, but the restriction is so tight being that my hands are tied.  Each day that continues to pass, more thoughts cross my mind.  As I was supposed to start Radiation and Chemo on May 7, 2019 I reluctantly found out that was not going to be the situation.  

On May 7, 2019 I woke up at 4:30 A.M., or should I say got out of bed because I am not really sure if I slept at all that night because I saw every hour on the clock.  Anxiety was at an all time high as I needed to wake up early to leave for my first radiation and chemotherapy appointment.  My three children slept over my in-laws so Rob and I could just get up and go in the morning.  My bag was packed with the items I was bringing to keep me occupied and warm during my four hour chemo session; blanket, slippers, chapstick, snacks, ice water, dry mouth spray and all my other dry mouth items, phone charger and magazines. Rob and I started driving to the hospital and were talking about how excited we were that this was starting so we could get it over with.  We were about thirty minutes into our commute when I received a phone call explaining to me that the Proton radiation machine was down and would not be working for the day.  I knew this was a possibility as I was informed they would be working on the machine over the weekend, but I assumed since I did not hear anything on Monday I was good to go.  Especially considering Monday evening (May 6, 2019) around 7:30PM I received a call from the chemotherapy department telling me they were anticipating my arrival and were all ready for me.  So, once I found out over the phone radiation was canceled I questioned if I should still come to the hospital since I was scheduled for Chemotherapy.  Deep down inside I didn’t think I would start chemo that day since I thought the doctors wanted to start them together, but I was told to come since I was already half way there.  It was too early in the morning to call the medical oncologist department, so Rob and I decided to keep driving since we left so early to avoid traffic.  Upon arriving at the hospital I was told I would be starting chemotherapy since it was a different department, however it wasn’t until one wonderful nurse heard me continuing to question why I believed this wouldn’t be the case and she stepped in.  This nurse took charge and followed her phone chain trying to reach someone to get an answer, but was unable to get through to anyone with it being so early in the morning.  Finally my doctor was called and I was told to not start chemo and that I would be rescheduled.  So out of utter disgust, Rob and I drove back home.  I was simply livid!  Is this really happening? Why didn’t anyone call me the night before if they knew the machines were still down?  I have been psyching myself up to start my treatment and finally I thought the day arrived to only be turned away.  

This week was another long week waiting in anticipation of when the machines were going to be working again.  I found out the machines were going to be down the entire week.  How is this even possible?  What is happening to the patients that are in the middle of their treatment?  Is this going to happen to me when I start?  All of these are questions I continue to have and will address when I meet with my doctors.  

On Friday, I received a call that the machines are up and running again and I am scheduled to start Radiation on Monday May 13, 2019 and Chemotherapy will start the next day.  As long as I start chemotherapy within the first three days of radiation I will be good to go.  

The thought that cancer continues to grow and another week just past by with nothing being done about it utterly freaks me out.  I am also holding my breath about treatment starting on Monday, because is it really going to happen?  I am beyond ready to get this battle started yet the machine was not.  “Those machines are afraid of you,” a friend told me when he found out I didn’t start my treatment.  This comment definitely made me laugh, but I sure hope its the truth because I am literally at the point where the handcuffs NEED to be released so I can put my fighting gloves on.