My heart aches…I miss my boys….being home…my routine…being the mom I used to be. It aches every single time I walk into the hospital…the number of sick people right in front of my eyes…to the friends I’ve made in the waiting room…to the woman battling this fight all alone because she doesn’t have anyone…for my family, friends and everyone that has been by my side for their constant worry about me.

Then I shake my head, take a deep breath and remember the big picture.  How lucky am I? In the grand schemes of life, this is such a short amount of time away from my boys so that I can see them grow the rest of their lives. I continue to shake my head and open my eyes and see the joy Natalie brings to the hospital…everyone knows her. They know when she arrives because her smile lights the room, her wave stays high in the air and the babbling and screaming that she has arrived can’t be missed.

Today is day 12 of 30. I’m getting there. The first few sessions were not bad and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Some days are way worse than others but I’ve been warned I’m going to have a lot of those days.  I honestly don’t know where the days have gone or where my brain has gone either. I can’t think straight, I can’t remember anything and the time just passes. I just started taking pain medication around the clock but my brain was gone before that. Perhaps this full dose of a nerve blocker is blocking the way my brain normally works? I’ll have to ask the doctor.

My heart aches a lot right now and it has been for a long time, but I know after all of this it will be by far the strongest muscle in my body.

Here’s a picture of me during my daily treatment.

I can’t believe the last I posted was the weekend of Memorial Day and here I am approaching Fourth of July weekend.  The past few weeks have been a complete blur.  The logistics of preparing to be away for 7 weeks from my home, away from the boys, organizing schedules, arranging childcare, setting up appointments, going to appointments, recovering  from surgery and preparing for radiation have seemed to take all my time away.

During treatment my mom, Natalie and I are staying about 20 minutes away from Johns Hopkins hospital in an apartment for 7 weeks.  Rob needs to continue working so he is staying home with the boys and my mother-in-law, grandmother and aunt are helping every step of the way.  We decided on making this arrangement because I knew if all of the children came with me I would not get adequate rest.  We wanted to keep the boys on their normal schedule as much as possible, but I wanted Natalie with me.  She is my last baby…I do not want to miss the first time she does something and I believe she will be great medicine for me.

Today I completed day 4 of radiation treatment!  My mom and Natalie go to treatment with me each day.   Natalie brings a smile and such positive energy in a room full of radiation patients, everyone just LOVES her and bringing her distracts me from the actual situation. The radiation treatments do not hurt, however I can’t believe after only 2 treatments I am started to already experience side effects – dry mouth, very thirsty and swelling in my neck.  My oncologist told me that symptoms happen at all different times for people, but because of the number of surgeries I had to this region can be the reason I am starting to experience side effects this early on.  Currently my swallowing is normal so I am taking every good day as it comes.  Next week I meet with a speech pathologist to work on swallowing exercises, which I am sure I am very familiar with from my previous therapy.  The doctor informed me that it is going to be extremely important to do these exercises in order to preserve as much of my swallowing capability as possible.  I will continue doing everything possible….my babies and family need me to get better!