Today the journey to Scottsdale, AZ officially started with Rob and my mom by my side. (Well, mom almost got left at the airport after being searched going through security but they let her go!)

Right now, if you name the emotion I feel it, times a million. Here’s just a few:

Happy – surgery is an option.

Hopeful – that this is going to work and I’m going to beat this.

Confident -traveling across the country to be in the best hands.

Fear -the unknowns, the details, the recovery.

Devastation – leaving my children for an extended period of time.

Grateful – the tremendous amount of support that has helped me and my family so far.

Sad – was this morning the last time I will be able to breast feed Natalie?

Scared – what’s going to happen?

Anxious – when will I be able to talk? What will I sound like? When will I be able to eat? When will I be able to hold my children?

Proud – for how sweet my son is. When I was giving Bobby a hug good-bye my dad told Bobby to give me a bear hug. Bobby turned and said “No, I can’t. I be careful. I don’t want to hurt Mommy’s boo-boo.”

As our drive started and I began to cry leaving my children, Rob turns to me and says “I’m excited.” I gave him one of my famous looks and nearly wanted to reach across the car and strangle him until he explained. Rob told me “I’m  excited to get this started, over with and put behind us.” Well, he sure is my rock right now because I couldn’t agree more with him.

So, I guess I can add excitement to my list of emotions too!

No sooner did he say this and a new song started on the radio. As we began to listen we heard:

“Don’t worry about a thing ‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright.” – Bob Marley

It was in this moment Rob and I knew a message was being sent to us.

(My last snuggle with the kids.)

It’s New Year’s day, which is the start of new beginnings, a fresh outlook, a positive start to the new year.  The topic of many conversations at the beginning of a new year often circle around resolutions.  You know, the gym gets extremely crowded with people who are sure to be avid gym goers for the entire year.  People claim they will quit some horrible habit, promise to eat completely healthy, save more money, spend more time doing something and then within a matter of a few weeks it’s amazing how the resolution is forgotten or the lack of focus and effort towards a once so desired goal is gone.

My resolution this year will not fail as I am about to start on the most difficult journey of my life.  I need to stay focused and never give up.

Part of staying focused causes anxiety, but I can’t help that right now the fear I have is rapidly growing.

Questions continue to spiral in my head.  It’s the unknown right now that is so hard. Will the surgery work?  What is recovery going to be like?  When will I be able to hold my children?  What will my voice sound like?  When will I have a voice?

It’s the racing thoughts in my head that are causing anxiety.  Meeting with the doctor on Wednesday is very scary.  It is at this appointment I will hear answers to so many questions whether I like the answer or not. The thought of leaving my babies on Tuesday makes me sick to my stomach.   The thought that Natalie will be in a different size of clothes when I return hurts my heart.  The high possibility that I will no longer be breast feeding when I come home (due to stress depleting my supply) makes me so angry. The fact that I will not be able to pick up my daughter to even change her diaper makes me feel like an unfit mother. I KNOW that is not the case, but I can’t help that’s how I feel.    I understand that in the grand scheme of things these are not that big of a deal, but to me they are a very big deal right now.  This is my last baby so letting go of all of this is extremely difficult.

For me, 2016 isn’t starting out as a healthy year, however the results from my thyroid biopsy came back as benign. Phew.  Can this be a sign of how things are going to start moving up?  For now, I am taking things one day at a time so I will continue to hope, pray and remain positive that I NEED to beat this cancer.