The struggle is real. The frustration is higher than ever. The tears of joy being with my children quickly turn to tears of anger, frustration and helplessness. 

Coming home from Arizona was so exciting. I didn’t see my babies for 16 days and the feeling of excitement to see them far surpassed any feeling I have ever had. Being snowed in over the weekend with my family was amazing and horrible all at the same time. 

All I want to do is spend time with my kids, but each day new challenges arise.  I had this ideal vision in my head that my maternity leave from work was going to be spending time with my children, taking them fun places, playing games, breaking out my creative side of teaching letters, numbers, colors and holding/snuggling with my newborn.  I guess that was a false hope!

My emotions are so scrambled lately. The kids can barely hear me unless I am directly next to or in front of them. So you know those times you’re in another room and a kid yells “Mommy! Mommy!!” Well guess what?! I can’t yell back. This happened many times with Bobby and then he gets mad and yells “Mommy, why you no talk to me?” That breaks my heart!

There are times we are playing and I can’t even talk to any of the kids across the room because it’s too far away, or how about if there is any other sound involved such as the TV, music, random toy having a mind of its own or a kid crying…my voice is WAY too low to even be heard. So, I have to wait….and wait…for the sound to stop. Ugh! The frustration builds. 

Then since I’ve been home I have started to realize that when Bobby and Brody start to fight or argue, which they are so good at doing,  I can’t do anything about it. I can’t say “stop” because they can’t hear me. I can’t settle the tears because the crying and screaming is too loud for me to even be heard. 

Bedtime is another example that poses extreme frustration too. Reading bedtime stories is challenging as I get lightheaded talking too much and I can’t make intonation with my voice. We have all heard someone read that is monotone and it’s the most boring thing in the world! Children’s books are filled with onomatopoeias (animal noices, vehicle sounds, etc.) and I can’t make those sounds! Reading to my children used to be soooo much fun and now it’s just frustrating! Last night, Bobby and I were laying in his bed having a conversation. He then reached and got a little blanket with a monkey on it and starts saying “oo-oo-ah-ah.”  Bobby turns and tells me it’s my turn….and I tried but I COULD NOT do it! He got so mad and yelled louder “NO MOMMY! Not like that, do this. Oo-oo-ah-ah!” Ugh, I couldn’t! I tried to explain to him why I couldn’t, but he’s 3.5 years old and doesn’t understand! I tried holding back the tears as best as I could but as soon as I left his room, the tears just started flowing. 

Right now, it’s the little things that are causing so much frustration. I know I’m so blessed that the surgery was successful and that I am here. I’m not losing sight of that, BUT the frustration is incredible. 

I WILL get through this. I WILL remain positive. I think it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be frustrated and angry. I’m not losing sight of all the positives, but right now it is just very, very challenging.