Is this really happening?  I am at the point of my maternity leave that I am starting to get the hang of what is it like to be a mom of 3 and then BAM! Hello stage 2 laryngeal cancer that has spread into my lymphatic vessels!

Last week seems like a whirlwind with having my family spend hours on the phone trying to coordinate appointments, set up additional tests I needed to have done, hours upon hours of sitting in traffic to get to my appointments, sitting in waiting rooms, meeting with doctors, and arranging childcare.  Not only was this physically exhausting, but mentally it was so much that I am surprised my head didn’t explode.

12/16/15 – My first doctor appointment was meeting with a radiologist.  I was completely shocked that he sat with me for almost 2 hours.  Well perhaps that is because the list of side effects from the radiation treatments took that long to explain.  It was made VERY clear that radiation will be my last resort considering my age and the short/long term effects it would have on my body.  However with the typical patient (50-70 year old male) this would most likely be the treatment.  Radiation on any person is very serious and something no one ever wants to go through, but the radiologist made it clear that the side effects on this part of my body (larynx) in conjunction with my age is no joke.

Treatment would be:

• 7 weeks (M-F) to treat the throat, voice box and lymph nodes.  I will never be able to yell at my kids. I know lucky them!
• I will have trouble with swallowing.
• Progressively I would be eating soft foods and near the end of treatment I have a high chance of being placed on a feeding tube for 3-6 months or perhaps life.
• I would need to meet with a dentist because my jaw bone can be damaged.
• Attend speech and swallowing therapy.
• I would need to be very careful every time I eat/drink something because I have a high chance of aspiration pneumonia, which would kill me.
• The radiation would feel like a really bad sunburn on my throat.

At this point, I had heard enough and the radiologist could tell.  He told me IF this is the route that needs to be taken he will go over the additional side effects at another time.  WHAT?!  There’s more???  My two hour drive home with Rob, my mom and Natalie was filled with tears and a lot more questions.

12/17/15 – The next morning we went to meet with my new otolaryngologist who is listed in receiving countless awards of being one of the best doctors.  I was very hopeful I was going to get better news than I did the day before.  All I kept thinking was there has to be another option.  Ultimately, my doctor went over everything with me describing how the cancer is a T2 reaching both my vocal cord and false vocal cord.  It has also spread into the lymphatic vessels, which means not only does my larynx need to be treated but so does all of my lymph nodes in my neck.  After laying all of this information out, my doctor tells me he is going to refer me to a doctor in St. Louis, MO and to another in Scottsdale, AZ.  WAIT….WHAT?!  Here I am at one of the best hospitals in the county and they can’t treat me here?  This is absolutely INSANE!

My doctor is trying to avoid radiation (somewhat of a relief) and trying to avoid performing the surgery he does best of a partial voice box removal in order to keep as much of my voice quality as possible.  He is referring me to these other doctors across the U.S. since they have the highest success rates in preserving as much of the vocal cord as possible as well as to remove the lymph nodes in my neck. That is not going to be a pretty surgery, but it’s waaayyyy better than radiation!

That afternoon I went to have a fine cut CT scan in order to make sure nothing spread into the cartilage of my thyroid.  If the cancer spread into the cartilage it would change the cancer from T2 to T4 and all of this treatment would be thrown out the window.

12/18/15 – CT scan report came back and it is not in the cartilage!!!!  There is however something showing up on my thyroid, so an ultrasound is scheduled.

12/21/15 – After having the ultrasound of my thyroid complete I met with the radiologist that reported “it doesn’t look like anything, but I want you to have a biopsy due to the size of it.” At this point, I am no longer shocked by the news or the fact that I need to have ANOTHER test done.  I am also EXTREMELY SICK of hearing “it doesn’t look like anything.”

I continue to keep telling myself, this has to be a dream, a really bad dream.

I really, really wish it was…